Why Humans are Lucky

First of all, Carlton Banks.

Work it, girl.

Second of all – well, let me preface this by saying that I was always the first kid at school to say “Tyrannosaurs Rex” as my choice for favorite pet, but seriously you guys, we are so freaking lucky that we don’t have dinosaurs roaming the streets. Dinotopia? More like Dino-we’re all dead so there’s no language to even reference Utopian civilization or books about said civilization so just-Rarr.

I do want to say that if given the chance ever to go into a Jurassic Park type scenario, I would be the first one on the chopper. Mostly because I fully trust my nunjutsu skills like I trust my grandmother. But let’s evaluate some of the key terror factors that make it such a frightening prospect to have to deal with dinosaurs in every day life.

1). Teeth. All right, my teeth stay in my mouth where they are intended to be of use. There is not a lot my teeth can do outside of my mouth. Most carnivorous dinosaurs have teeth that not only reside mostly outside of their lips, but they also inflict the most damage while attending to things that are not yet in their mouths. Terror. Also, how are they going to drink out of a Starbucks cup? That lid is getting torn to shreds and probably not enhancing the flavor of your macchiato.

2). Foot size. I think we can all agree Manut Bol and Shaq have about the biggest feet we ever hope to see. Their foot size is impressive and maybe a little intimidating (I think I can fit my arm up to the elbow into one of Shaq’s Keds) but certainly not life threatening. Now imagine a brachiosaurus. Not only could I fit one of my arms into one of his shoes, I could fit all of me (starring Lily Tomlin) and several of my friends and our deluxe Jacuzzi tub into one of his shoes. And still have room for a wet bar. And a penguin. So…I don’t exactly thing it’s going to be easy for Mr. Brachiosaurus Kahn (sounds like a basketball player’s name, right?) to daintily step around the millions of cars, pedestrians, dog parks and macchiatos we humans have planted all over the everywhere. Things are just going to get smashed. Not just smashed. Smooshed. Shmooshed. Including the penguin and the Jacuzzi and frankly I don’t want to be around to see it.

3). Brain size. If your brain is not at least the size of your own big toe…chances are reason, logic and compassion are not at the forefront of your priorities. If you’re hungry/sad/need a diaper change/have a thorn in your rear, you’re going to maim or disfigure things until your needs are met. Horribly, horribly met. I speak from experience, dude.

4). According to Jurassic Park 3 (I know) velociraptors are smarter than dolphins.

Just let that sink in.

Now, I know what you’re saying. “But raptors were actually only about the size of a golden retriever, not the basketball player sized monsters depicted in the films.”

Well no doy, smartmouth. But just imagine if you were to encounter something the size of a Rottweiler (already scary) with bigger teeth, fingers and a tail strong enough to swat a miniature horse across the room.

Add to that the intelligence and problem-solving abilities of man’s best friend (dolphins). You’re not getting out of that tangle alive, wise guy. There were tons of different dinosaur types…somewhere along the way a raptor with dolphinesque intelligence could have been born. Maybe he was raised by sharks!

Most dolphins are 6 to 74 times smarter than humans (actual fact). That tiny velociraptor, while it won’t leap on top of your chest and rip out your throat, will subtly kill you from the inside using something like your bad credit history or your difficult relationship with your dad.

Terrifying.

TGIT

Tonight is the kind of night where you are hanging out with some red wine, or maybe watermelon lemonade (trademark: King of Drinks) and then someone just moseys on over and reminds you that something you "borrowed" three years ago is now needed once again to be in their possession immediately, and you're like Well I'm kind of loosened up right now, and it's friggin Thursday, so maybe this can wait 'til a more apropos time?

But oh no, they need it pronto. They're a busy guy, all right? They've got to update their Twitter in a few minutes here.

So you go check your garage (drink in hand. it's Thursday, after all) and you realize you don't have their stupid hedge trimmers and you know what? You would NEVER borrow hedge trimmers. Those hedge trimmers are no where near your person. So step off.

Why do people not respect Thursday? Check yourself.

My advice is, whatever you're drinking, if your homeboy tries to come by to collect something on a Thursday when it's 74 degrees and after 6 p.m., pretend whatever is in your glass is an Irish Car Bomb and you're ready to get something like "buckwild" and bust out your jazz fusion collection. They'll figure out pretty quick they don't want to stay long.

Dear Mr. Sketch

Dear Sir,
I would like to point out the fact that your smelly markers are missing a crucial scent that could really put your business back on the map.
Of course everyone remembers the cherries and the mints (or the wonderful Burned Marshmellow) that they sniffed themselves sterile over in the loud, chaotic environment of 3rd grade art class. But that time has passed – much of your audience is now in their mid-20s and, while I am sure we would all thoroughly enjoy receiving a packet of your scented markers as a gift, $12 is just too much to pay.

Unless.
If you were to integrate a flavor so exceptionally delightful that no one would be able to live without your marker. I believe I have that flavor. Are you ready?


Ranch.

Say it out loud.
It could color a off-white with peppercorn dots.
Trust me – if you could capture the olfactortasticness of restaurant ranch dressing (just think about it, served as a side with your club sandwich and fries – you’re just getting hungry thinking about it, aren’t you, Mr. Sketch?) no one over the age of 5 and under the age of 100 would be able to resist. Scented Markers would be back on the map! Back on top!
Ball’s in your court, Sketch.

Chibi of the Week

James Coburn Edition

James Coburn is one of the coolest actors ever. He always looks like he's ready to throw down with a mountain lion if he has to, but halfway through he'd probably be like, "Screw this - I'll buyya beer!" And then they become best friends and tear up and down the countryside, stirring up trouble in a drunken cloud of good-natured revelry wherever they go.

If you've never seen Duck, You Sucker (also billed as A Fistful of Dynamite) do yourself a favor. Get a Netflix account and watch it. It's amazing. Plus, it contains 2.5 hours of what is probably the best, funniest, most enjoyable, honestly awful accents ever portrayed in a major motion picture by the dainty Rod Steiger.

He really gets going around the 1:35 mark.

In spite of (and in part Due To) that accent, it's a truly moving and genius movie and one of my favorites.

In my mind, if Chibi met James Coburn, he would instantly fall into a Rod Steiger-ish accent. You know, just to make Coburn feel at home. Like he was back in the American southwest, shooting movies and chumming around with drunken mountain lions.

POLITICS (oil, energy and dinosaurs)

Typically, this is a topic that I shy away from. First of all, to me, it all seems a little corrupt. Second of all, I basically follow the presidential elections (as in, I usually know who winds up getting elected) and that is absolutely it – so I’m not exactly what you could call an “authority.” I know more about politics in Ancient Rome (my favorites are the Gracchi brothers!) than our government’s current squabblings and power plays.

However, don’t think that I’m saying I’m some kind of “Don’t Tread on Me”-shouting NRA member with a tent house where they have their 4 years olds cleaning guns and telling the news they don’t need government to look after them, while an old woman guts a deer in the background

In Camo.

So last season!

Not that I’m saying anything about the NRA. Hey, look, you have every right to bear arms …but I’m just saying, we haven’t been invaded since 1812. That’s almost 200 years. And even that only happened because an uppity U.S. commander crossed the border into Canada to invade the British-occupied city of Sandwich. Which, you know, sounds pretty delicious to me, too

…but it’s not like they invaded us first. Er, well that time.

Um. There was a point here somewhere.

Oh, right – this whole BP thing. OK, so…it’s obviously a disaster, but can I be "straight-talkin' Dad" honest?

I’m a little bit glad it happened. Obviously, the loss of life is tragic and it's destroying so much of the gulf, but perhaps a minor disaster to wake people up before an even bigger disaster to come?

OK, I'll detail in "of alls."

First of all – we have got to investigate alternative fuel sources (ethanol doesn’t count – it’s too expensive for some reason and we eat it. Read your labels!) and there’s just no urgency being given to that requirement. When the last drop of oil gets used…what are we going to do with all these highways? And more importantly, how are you going to get two cars out of your garage if you can’t even turn them on?

Second of all – the stuff is running out. Fast. Do you know how many people there are in China? According to my latest calculations, roughly 47 GRILLION. You know how long oil is going to last when they all start driving? About two weeks (a fortnight!) And with China’s sudden involvement and interest in the WTO and other things with capitalistic tendencies, their interest in cars (not just making them anymore, LOLZ) is going to go through the proverbial car-interested roof. Oil is running out and fast.

Oh, but Alaska! Alaska! some of you may say. My guess is after all this, the government is going to be too afraid to Tick off their constituents after the massive amounts of wetland and ecological damage the current oil problem is creating? There are people in Louisiana who will oppose drilling in Alaska just out of spite now! Plus, it’s a band-aid on the overall problem, not a solution.

Not to mention, oil is not a renewable resource. Picture a dinosaur, with its blood-dripping fangs and beady black eyes and lashing tail.

That dinosaur is in your car! Why do you think oil is so awesome – it’s dinosaurs. We are driving to Wal-Mart (PUKE, I don’t care) on prehistoric thunder lizards’ corpses. And yes, yes, I’m sure there were many dinosaurs – but there are way more people (remember, we are in the Grillions now) and even though Brontosaurus was the size of at least 17 city blocks, its body can’t power your Hummer for 80 years.

Can’t be done. It’s science. You’re practically getting this info from Galileo, so you know, believe it.

Third of all – I hate cars! They get hot in the summer, they take forever to warm up in the winter and anyway, I like horses better. This is usually the point in my oil argument where my dad goes “Trust me, you don’t want to be riding Mr. Ed to work in the rain while it’s pooping five pounds of oats and slipping around on the wet asphalt.” No doy, Dad.

In the old days, when we relied on horses (which worked for thousands of years) if it was raining – guess what? You weren’t going into work. And neither was anybody else.
Rain Day!

These days, we are so driven by that urgent urgency of our success-crazed global economy, no one can even think of living their lives according to the terms of nature once again. If you don’t come into work on days when it’s snowing outside, people think you’re a slacker. I’m just afraid for my life, okay? So I think this whole oil argument is touchy because (obviously) it is really forcing us to think about our entire system of living and how horribly short-sighted it has been for the last 50 years.

So back to my original statement – I shy away from politics. I’m not going to call my congressman and say the government should take the hint this is giving us and start investing in solar technology...because I don’t even belong to a political party because I’m not a registered voter (plus, I’m not in the Electoral College so it doesn’t even matter!). But I do care what happens with this oil spill business. But politics and politicians in them...ehh. So…the quandary. What are we going to do?

And I guess I mean this whole BP thing (awful and terrible though it is) could have positive repercussions– since it’s forcing the issue to be discussed with the urgency it deserves.

For now.