This is the greatest time of the year

Even though it hasn't quite got that autumnal bite in the air (Al Gore, stop doing TV cameos where you get to be all cute in jumpsuits and get back to work! I have scarves that are just laying around doing nothing right now thanks to you) this is quite clearly the best season of all.

Plus, it's the time of Harvest. And that means celebration rites of plenty and richness. Thanks in part to Cucurbita Maxima, or as the plebeians say, SQUASH!

Which means Pumpkins.

Which means Pie.

Pie.

I make it.

You eat it.

BANG.

I like to imagine that enjoying one of my pies is something like this.


You're hanging out, wearing some sexy preHalloween get-up and then WHAP out of nowhere, some freak in a cape slaps pie into your open trap. Enjoy the pie.
And shut up while you're at it! Put on some Charlie Parker, be cool, and just shut up.

I love fall.
And Legs & Co.

Favorite Costumes

'Tis the month of Halloween, hallowe'en, hallows eve....so, let's talk costumes!

Growing up, I was usually a tiger. Obvs.

But since ca. 1999, I've kind of skipped the costuming. Halloween is fun enough on its own, the almond joys (step off, kitkat), the wine, the PS3 demos. Plus, it's hard when you have big dreams of being Mulan but you can't find a stupid wig that fits or an authentic Chinese Jian (the General of all Swords) without entering the top 50 on the CIA's "Strange Persons of Note" list.



But this year...it's year of the Tiger. Metal Tiger actually. So I'm thinking about bringing the old throw to costume back. . . FutureTiger style!

And don't worry, Reeses, I am not afraid of the dark this year! Well as long as I have my FutureTiger laser bow & arrow. fshwing, fshwing!


(I'm the one on the left)

This year, it's going to be my best costume yet. Unless I forget.



What are you best costumes ever?

Favorite Things

I don’t want to say I’m the new Oprah or anything, but I have favorite things.

And a best friend named Gail.

Okay, I don’t have a best friend named Gail, but there was a girl named Gail with severe behavioral issues who lived across the street from me in her parents’ mansion. Her mom played for the Portuguese women’s Olympic soft ball team. Her dad’s family were brain surgeons. Gail is now a debutate slash hipster at some “liberal” ivy league. She’s basically a gossip girl character. But she’s not my best friend. Sadly.

I do have favorite things though. One of them is oranges. I have this orange peel TOOL that is like, the greatest invention since the cake wheel (just let that marinate…great invention, right?) because I can peel an orange in under two minutes without becoming covered in sticky juice rubbish. Also, the pips don’t fly all over the everywhere, which is nice. Pips are seeds. I like British TV, sue me.

That’s another one of my favorite things; British TV. Not all of it, but the older stuff like from the mid-80s to mid-90s. The Vicar of Dilbey and Black Adder. Absolutely brilliant – I wish they were my parents. Well Dawn French, anyway. Rowan Atkinson would never let me get away with staying out past curfew.

My third favorite thing is self-help (I know what you’re thinking. To answer your question, of course I include Robert E. Howard into this category. Doy). Reading is fun. Reading to learn is even funner, i.e. Learn Condescending Phrases in Ancient Greek.

But reading so you can develop new powers of communication and unlimited comprehension of your own mind (how meta is that?!) is like enjoying a cake wheel while shopping for British Knights.

And that is why I’m basically the new Oprah.

Harvest Time, or my I'm Excited list

We are coming into my favorite time of year - Harvest time. Or, colloquially, fall y'all.
There are several things I am excited about right now. And I don't mean to go all Oprah on you, but sometimes Oprah has rad ideas and we all just need to check ourselves before we get sassy with her.


Here's my I'm excited list.

1. Fall!
   Seriously. Fall is like inviting a luxurious but kind of off-standish Leopard over to your house to stay for a few months. He's pretty snooty at first. Then, you both realize you like to let your Lucky Charms stand in milk until they get nice and soggy and before you know it, you're reading comics together while you tend your roaring fire and the Leopard is baking you raspberry scones and telling you about the time he opened for Grace Jones in Tokyo.
   
   I will be making my Leopard friend some pumpkin pies from scratch and taking him shopping with me for new kicks - check out these babies:
   
   Harvest Leopard, you truly are a wonder. And oh, the matching scarves!


2. This new movie by Darren Aronofsky called the Black Swan (more on that in a second)


3. This video by Wolf People. And the song, Tiny Circle. Yeah, this is the jam. And thank you, skilled bearded musicians, for finally incorporating more flute into modern rock. Not since Thick as a Brick has the flute been such a worthy accompaniment a slamming track. Slamming!
   
   

Okay, this Black Swan movie is serious you guys. I know everyone loves Aronofsky because of Requiem for a Dream and they saw it and it rocked their world and they cried themselves to sleep for a few weeks or whatever after that blah blah.

But my first Aronofsky movie was the Fountain. And I totally wanted to take it home with me in place of my dreamtime cuddle friend, Admiral Baby Pillow. It really had an impact on me, sort of like how you feel after you drink too much blue drank at a birthday party. A little sick, but a little nice & fuzzy, too. 40% pleasant, 60% inspired.

And that's how this preview makes me feel, too. Except more like 71% scared, 25% inspired, 4% physically ill. I'm sure Oprah feels the same way.