Favorite Things

I don’t want to say I’m the new Oprah or anything, but I have favorite things.

And a best friend named Gail.

Okay, I don’t have a best friend named Gail, but there was a girl named Gail with severe behavioral issues who lived across the street from me in her parents’ mansion. Her mom played for the Portuguese women’s Olympic soft ball team. Her dad’s family were brain surgeons. Gail is now a debutate slash hipster at some “liberal” ivy league. She’s basically a gossip girl character. But she’s not my best friend. Sadly.

I do have favorite things though. One of them is oranges. I have this orange peel TOOL that is like, the greatest invention since the cake wheel (just let that marinate…great invention, right?) because I can peel an orange in under two minutes without becoming covered in sticky juice rubbish. Also, the pips don’t fly all over the everywhere, which is nice. Pips are seeds. I like British TV, sue me.

That’s another one of my favorite things; British TV. Not all of it, but the older stuff like from the mid-80s to mid-90s. The Vicar of Dilbey and Black Adder. Absolutely brilliant – I wish they were my parents. Well Dawn French, anyway. Rowan Atkinson would never let me get away with staying out past curfew.

My third favorite thing is self-help (I know what you’re thinking. To answer your question, of course I include Robert E. Howard into this category. Doy). Reading is fun. Reading to learn is even funner, i.e. Learn Condescending Phrases in Ancient Greek.

But reading so you can develop new powers of communication and unlimited comprehension of your own mind (how meta is that?!) is like enjoying a cake wheel while shopping for British Knights.

And that is why I’m basically the new Oprah.