MILLION DOLLAR IDEA OF THE WEEK

Non-molding gym shorts.
Think of it – you just finished a killer workout, you’re peeling the soaking fabric from your body and diving for the shower because you feel revoltingly gross and people are starting to whisper/faint.

Twenty minutes later, you’ve got “gym soap hair” (when you’ve used the “luxurious hand wash” provided to wash your scalp into a mullet) and you’re walking to your car in the freezing cold because the gym shower knob only has 2 settings: SURFACE OF THE SUN and ICE.

You throw your gym bag in the back seat of your car and fumble with the heater. You get home. You take real shower. You heat up some corn. You watch Netflix. You pass out over a bowl of corn.
You wake up at 3AM and slink off to bed.

You take the next day off from the gym. You deserve it and you kind of can't walk anymore.

Three days later, you decide you better get back to the gym (you’ve started putting butter on all that corn you’re eating) and go to grab your gym b-
WHOA!
What is that smell?
Whew, that is ripe! Did something die in your gym bag?
You unzip it – a wall of putrefaction punches you right in the eyeballs. What could it be? An ancient pair of dentures? Plague rats?

Then you find them…your gym shorts, left to huddle together in a damp ball amid puddles of your 4 day old sweat. Mold stink everywhere. Those shorts are DONE.
See, if you only had my No-Mold gym shorts all you have to do is worry about those gym showers. Terrifying.


Now we just have to think up a good name – No-Mold Gym Shorts doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. Here is my starter list:

• Smell-Eaze.


• Flavians (ooh fashiony)


• Slander Free!


• Skrins.


• Cannonball King Shorty Shorts

Obviously, I need your help. Please send in non-mold gym shorts names (or your pick of the brilliant list above) by commenting below.

G-men?

Gross.

I hate the 1950s.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing as bad as the 1870s. (Queen Victoria? frightening)

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA OF THE WEEK

I actually have a few today. Seriously, we're all gonna get stinking, filthy rich.

1).Meat Shakes.

Sell themselves, right?

2). Ice cream delivery service. It’s like pizza delivery, but instead – it’s ice cream. Ice Cream takeout. I am just blowing my mind with outrageous brilliance right now. Why hasn’t anyone done this? Let me set the scene.

It’s Thursday night. You’ve had a long day, your feet hurt and you just finished your Hamburger Helper while catching up on some work emails. (you workaholic!...but lovely shawl)

You need to relax and your favorite Marx Brother’s comedy just became available on Watch Instantly. Some ice cream would really help you unwind. In your mind you see this

It's tantalizing you like some kind of oasis mirage in a desert (plus, I think Hamburger Helper has hypnogogic properties - you need to start eating real food, OK?). But there’s no way you’re going back out again into the fray…it's insane out there. Everyone sweaty and mean, brazenly grabbing and pushing - ready to death-fight you for Ice cream! Everyone!

Not to mention you’re already so cozy. Plus, you’re single/drunk/your significant other is as cozy as you are and there’s no way you’re getting any ice cream unless someone brings it to you. You’ll even buy. You would spend $10-$400 if someone brought you some ice cream right now.

But wait!
They Will!...TA DA! Money in the bank. And it’s for such a worthy cause. (me eating ice cream is the noblest of not remotely noble causes)

For me, as I'm sure it is for everyone, the ice cream Roller Coaster is quite an episodic wandering for the soul. Because you really want it, and then you don't have any...but you wanted it enough that you get some!! It's just such a cleansing journey - basically like Dante's Inferno but for the modern warrior. I think I can illustrate:

When I experience Ice Cream, I hear and see exactly this

Ice Cream delivery will help bring love and joy to this lonely world. Forever's gonna start tonight.