HOW TO THROW AWAY YOUR BILLS

That sounds a little more responsibility-avoidant than I intended; I just mean, once you've paid them and now they're trash...or if you're getting those
“Pre-Qualified – you get a million dollars free of interest if you sign up for this crap credit card and then, as soon as you have the cash and/or stuff you so ignorantly thought would distract you from the true emptiness of existence, we will promptly begin to hound you ruthlessly and transmute the shame you could possibly have learned from, into utter defeat that will probably cause you to self-mutilate” credit cards ads
or
“this is not a coupon, it's a subtle lure for you to come into this junk shop that we abbrv BB&B and strain your eyes until you find something you could kind of possibly need someday if there was a zombie apocalypse and all of the answering machines in the world were broken, so you should buy it because today only you'll get almost $0.40 off...just buy it!" coupons


or cell phone ads, all of which probably have your name, address and social security number on them somewhere, and you just want them out of your foyer. Slash off the floor of your living room. In a neat stack. Slash thrown behind the couch.

So I have a step-by-step solution to rid yourself of this paperwork.

1. Recycle it! Okay, harder than it sounds, because if you're like me, you live in a ridiculous city that doesn't have a regular curbside recycling program and it costs like an extra $300 in civic taxes if you do want to get the special blue bin for your trash pickup, but if you don't have that kind of skrill just lying around (and your dumb city still doesn't recognize the Barter System) and there is a recycling plant, but it's 20 miles away in a scary, wobbly part of town where hobos with patchy facial hair hang around drinking their moonshine!

   So, you know, recycling isn't always the first option, although it SHOULD be. Sorry to SHOULD all over you, but it's true.





2. Throw it away! Okay, again, harder than it sounds for a few reasons.

   a). Aforementioned hobos (if you live in the wobbly parts of town) are probably sorting through your trash regularly and looking for items they can eat/use in some kind of internet pyramid scheme using your good name and (questionable) credit history.

   So how do you avoid this?

   b). in the kinds of dumb cities that don't have regular recycling programs and would get you to this Stage 2b level of a predicament, it is a given that anywhere you go, teenagers, hobos, children, orcs, telemarketers or other minions of evil are looking to steal your sensitive information and use it in online pyramid schemes. So you have to protect your trash pretty much everywhere you might live. Even nice, non-wobbly parts of town.

So, to keep all of us from going through the horror of having our good names dragged through the mud by guys in suits with dollar signs all over them, I have developed a step-by-step guide to safely dispose of unwanted paper documents with your personal informaysh all up on them.

Note: this is only to be used if you absolutely, positively cannot recycle your papers. Don't add to the gyre! Please, think of the children (the non evil ones).

1. Locate documents of Trashfulness:

2. Open and empty contents of regular plastic bag.

   Note: this is to be used only if you cannot recycle the plastic bag, which can be done at any Whole Foods grocery store (and most other grocery stores nowadays).

   
   
   

3. Obtain additional items whose use has expired. Things such as:

• triple-used kleenex

• egg shells

  





• 46 year old 3/4-drank (drinken? I'm never clear on drink's past tense in the genitive) iced coffee with half & half and sugar in the raw and possibly honey that has been in the fridge for 46.8 years and is somehow not a fully sentient being by now as it is basically a creepy crawly bacteria cesspool.

• crumpled receipts (not only good as distracting filler, but also need their own place to hide since possibly sensitive information is reflected therein regarding your proclivity for Jones soda)

• pieces of sock felt (probably some between your toes right now!)

• carrot, lemon peel and spinach “feces” leftover from juicing





• band-aids that won't stick anymore

• used tea leaves (used here means the leaves have been re-brewed maybe 11 times over the past week and if a British person so much as smelled them, they would shrink back in horror and then look at you crying and saying, “Why?” with their hand on their chest)

• incense ash

  





• empty jumbo-size South African wine bottle (this is more just to maliciously taunt hobos)
  

Mix any iteration of the above in with your sensitive documentation – making sure that the ugliest items are poking out of the top of the bag.

4. Dispose!

You can now sleep at night with the confidence of knowing your sensitive junk mail and old bills are safe from being perused due to your odd and disgusting rubbish.

I am so confident in this procedure's effectiveness, that I am giving it to you – Absolutely Free!

If you are not completely satisfied in the next 30 days, you can take me to court and sue me for a Million Dollars and the judge will throw it out of court because that is a ridiculous sum to sue over bad throwing away your garbage instructions. Express contract though it may be, you're asking for too much in compensation and besides, I'll tell you upfront I am basically only good for consulting on One Thing – starting an ice cream delivery service. Check yourself!